Song of Freedom

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Yesterday I watched Raising Hellen with the girls.
Yesterday my mom left Florida (where she was with my sister) and went back to Brazil.
Yesterday my level of PMS was so high I wished I was a man.

The movie is great. Yeah its a chick flick, but its not stupid like most of the other chick flicks... The plot doesnt revolve around a cheesy horny romance, and the theorical cheesy horny romance is actually cute and godly (the guy is a pastor). And the kids are great...

Needless to say - it made me cry. but the problem is that i just couldnt stop crying. During the movie, my mom called from the airport to say goodbye, and my sister also called just to say hi. So that made me cry even more. I really miss them. Which is crazy because I have been here for 6 months and only now I am missing them.

I was so sensitive I would start crying again if people looked at me. I felt the need for comfort food but I couldnt find anything so I went to bed early. My roommate was shocked "I've never seen you go to bed this early." I just smiled, made a little joke (I wasnt necessarily sad, I was laughing, but I just couldnt stop crying), grabbed my ipod and went to bed.

This morning I woke up feeling much better. All the things going through my head all I watched the movie dont hurt as much anymore (I love kids, I want to have kids, No I dont I wish I was never born how can i possibly want to have kids, But i really do, well, I'm not having kids cuz I am never getting married because I am gay, Well I can always adopt, No I wont do that to my children, I'll never find a partner, these girls must be wondering why i am crying so much, I am so scared of the truth I could never tell them whats going on with me, I'd hate being a mom, Stop thinking about all this Mackenzie).

I've just watched Princess Diaries 2 with a bunch of 18-year-olds.
watching their reactions to the movie was almost as amuzing as watching the movie.

some, the helplesly romantics, were cheering for Princess Mia and her guy (Frederick I believe) to stay together. Other were saying "ohh. i dont think i really trust him!"

girls are so funny. living with a bunch of girls is really funny. watching them like i do (not in a sick perveted way) is lots of fun! (well, most of the time it is)

they are all so insecure and young but at the same time so full of hope! they play around like little girls, or even worse, like little boys! but they can be dedicated like the oldest and most devoted mothers...

one of them, bethany, was recently dumped by her boyfriend. she was sooo heartbroken. but we all knew that it was gonna come soon and that it was the best thing that could happen for her.

leda and rachel recently had a little fight. bri was involved in the peace making process. but i have no clue what it was all about. i felt terribly left out because we are (or at least i thought we were sorta) a quartet (even though i feel like the "4th wheel" sometimes, i know that leda feels the same too, so we are indeed a quartet)

vicky smells sometimes and we try to hint at it and stuff but its though...

rachel is a germ freak. if you touch a fruit she was gonna eat, SHE WONT EAT IT. double dipping is a sin and she will only touch her own shoelaces.

we have a great floor dynamic... even this week, when we've all been annoying one another, we still love each other dearly.

i think we all get our periods at the same time... that would explain A LOT! :)

i wish i could look into the future and find out whats gonna happen to them. how they're gonna turn out.

here are some picture of them/us!

enjoy

i cant stop listening to my mp3s
i cant do school work with music on

i am listening to great artists that i didnt know before! they are alternative ani difrancos...
the butchies (i know...), Tegan and Sara (especially "Living Room"), kate sawicki...

there's also the good old never ending whats my major dillema. I believe I've grown yo HATE biology. Just the thought of having to study biology, read the textbook and memorize the power points kills me!!!!! and its not that i am lazy, i just honestly hate it! i dont how how i am gonna get the strenght to do one more semester of it, (just to take genetics, chemistry, physics and other crap for the next 3 years)

i've gone back to considering Business, but I also like psychology (but i could never be a therapist, so perhaps i could minor in psychology. but why would a business major need psychology? well, to know what buttons to press when trying to convince people that you are right... hmm)

i am eating like a pig again... and i wish i could hate myself for that and make it stop, but i have no desire to do so. next time my mom sees me i am gonna be just as fat (if not fatter) and she will be disappointed and ashamed, my sister will react the same way, but she wont say anything. and i will have to buy bigger and bigger clothes and i am gonna start walking like a penguin because all the fat will deform my body.) wow that was lovely.

and there's also the equaly constant androgynous feeling that surround me and adds some extra drama to my own private little mexican soap opera.

plane ticket from Buffalo to Ft. Laderdale: 500 dollars. oh great. Easter break is gonna be expensive!

but its ok.

i am having ice cream and that makes me very happy. hmmm

(to all of you who have already watched the Monk's episode "Mr. Monk Goes To The Circus")

actually, this post has very little to do with The Monk. Except for the constant use of the phrase "suck it up."

Now, I am a nice girl, so I never actually said that. But I am not THAT nice, so I've said it my head. And this is why:

last semester my roommate was already crying and worrying that this semester was gonna be awful, and that she'd have to write a bunch of papers, and that she was gonna have to study so much and that she wasnt gonna be able to get a job. she kept saying "this is so aggravating"

I hate that word now. Aggravating.

this semester she is obviously just as stressed out. she's got a billion of health problems (she still cant poop - but she barely eats. she complained that she lost weight - but she barely eats)

and she keeps crying. her boyfriend calls her and she talks to him in a baby-like voice, and pretty soon she starts complaining, and then she starts to cry. (thats when I usually leave the room. my excuse: to give her privacy. the real reason: cuz I cant actually tell her to suck it up)

maybe I am being too insensitive. but I believe that I know what is like to be homesick! I havent gone home in 5 months (and I am not going home for another 5 months) and I am ok!!

I am taking more classes than they are, AND I also have a job!

there's nothing wrong with being upset and crying, but I dont like it when people cant control it. life is full of crap - we all know it! And they're only 18! there's a lot more to come!

because of moments like these I think I could never be a counselor! or even a good friend...

---------------------2004-2005 FALL------------------------
CLLS- 101-A FIRST YEAR INTRODUCTION P 1.00
ENGL- 101-G PRINCIPLES OF WRITING B 3.00 9.00
BIOL- 151-A GENERAL BIOLOGY C+ 4.00 9.32
MATH- 181-A CALCULUS I C- 4.00 6.68
HIST- 101-F WESTERN CIV I: ANCIENT TO 1650
B- 2.00 5.34
POLS- 101-B INTRODUCTION TO POLITICS C+ 3.00 6.99
-----------------------------------------------------------

AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA
Current 17.00 17.00 16.00 37.33 2.333
Cumulative 17.00 17.00 16.00 37.33 2.333

I watched Garden State. I am in NY and most of my floor mates are from PA.

the advantage of not having a very good break is that i am not homesick like the other girls are. they are crying and they are grumpy while i am just fine...

.. drinking lots of water, enjoying my iPod, doing my landry, going to class ..