Tuesday, December 28, 2004
and they will never understand part 2
i have been doing a lot of writing (but i do so on my laptop, and i cant get online with it. i have to use my cousin's computer to get online) but i havent been posting it here. i will do it some other time, maybe if i have a free day (free from adults i mean) i will go to starbucks or something...
for now, this is all i can do. a few words.
i miss rio like crazy. this is cery strange cuz we were never terribly close. but sometimes, i get this really strong feeling of 'saudades' (portuguese "name" of the feeling you get when you miss someone). i dont know why this happens, but it does, and its so strong! today i was at Cotsco looking at the books they had and I was "the life of pi." rio had recommended it!! i picked it up quicky (it was either the last one, or it was wildly misplaced) and to my surpise it was 50% off, so instead of 14, ir was 7 dollars (i was gonna but it even if it was 14 though...) i havent started reading it yet, but this only made my saudades grow stronger.
****
i think i thought of myself as somewhat of a grown up. but now that i am surrounded by grown ups i see that i am NOT one of them.
maybe its because i am their daughter or little cousin, and they will always see me as the little Mackenzie so they kinda treat me and expect me to be like a kid. (now, dont think they actually treat me like a kid. they know/think i am really smart and mature... but i am still the youngest one.) my mom still gets mad at me like she did when we still lived together. i still want to run to the bathroom and cry (now knowing me, i KNOW this will never change). they still make me tea cuz i have a bad cold.
sometimes i do things and i think its cool and ok. but then when i think about it i totaly regret it and see myself as needy, stupid and childish. a few days ago i said something to H. and now I regret it. I was in the kitchen with Jill a few minutes ago, and I already regret doing what i did.
the thing is that i dont do anything majorly stupid - which is good. but i dont go the extra mile so people will see that i am kinda cool and that i have potential..
i have to go. later.
for now, this is all i can do. a few words.
i miss rio like crazy. this is cery strange cuz we were never terribly close. but sometimes, i get this really strong feeling of 'saudades' (portuguese "name" of the feeling you get when you miss someone). i dont know why this happens, but it does, and its so strong! today i was at Cotsco looking at the books they had and I was "the life of pi." rio had recommended it!! i picked it up quicky (it was either the last one, or it was wildly misplaced) and to my surpise it was 50% off, so instead of 14, ir was 7 dollars (i was gonna but it even if it was 14 though...) i havent started reading it yet, but this only made my saudades grow stronger.
****
i think i thought of myself as somewhat of a grown up. but now that i am surrounded by grown ups i see that i am NOT one of them.
maybe its because i am their daughter or little cousin, and they will always see me as the little Mackenzie so they kinda treat me and expect me to be like a kid. (now, dont think they actually treat me like a kid. they know/think i am really smart and mature... but i am still the youngest one.) my mom still gets mad at me like she did when we still lived together. i still want to run to the bathroom and cry (now knowing me, i KNOW this will never change). they still make me tea cuz i have a bad cold.
sometimes i do things and i think its cool and ok. but then when i think about it i totaly regret it and see myself as needy, stupid and childish. a few days ago i said something to H. and now I regret it. I was in the kitchen with Jill a few minutes ago, and I already regret doing what i did.
the thing is that i dont do anything majorly stupid - which is good. but i dont go the extra mile so people will see that i am kinda cool and that i have potential..
i have to go. later.
Comments:
You dont have to 'go the extra mile' in order for people to see that you are competent and stuff. you're a girl full of potential, and honestly people will notice it (even better) when YOU beleive in yourself... it has to start from with-in, and then you'll bloom like a beautiful flower... and like a flower people only see the beauty of it, all the arduous process in its formation before it blooms always remains unseen. :)
easy on me i'm very sentimental towards what i write! :) ...and it was not a bunch or crap humpf. :)
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