Tuesday, January 04, 2005
get me away from here i'm dying
(belle and sebastian - get me away from here i'm dying)
and i am killing myself..
these vacations have been utterly disappointing.
i WANT to go back to H. college. Its crazy.
Manhattan doesn’t make me smile anymore. Its just cold, crude, naked and cruel.
Seeing all those people, all those grown ups, makes me wonder with more and more despair what I am gonna do with me life. And I am so clueless.
And it’s not only about my future. I am clueless about everything.
Everything.
I am clearly depressed. I cant understand how my mom can spend so much money and think of herself as an independent woman when she depends on my dad for $$$$$ it drives me crazy. She doesn’t need more perfume, she doesn’t need a new blow-dryer, she doesn’t need more shoes or socks…
But she refuses to buy something that actually fits her (because there’s no way she is gonna buy “fat clothes”, so instead, she complains daily with extreme bitterness about her weight and makes me feel guilty for settling for XL and not killing myself to go back to L)
“that I would be good… whether with or without you… even if I gained ten pounds… even if I lost sanity”
(Alanis Morissette – That I would be good)
Life is so fucking scary, I hate it.
I don’t want to live a shallow life. I don’t wanna live in a place where everything revolves around money (and that pretty much excludes the entire planet earth)
Sometimes I think communism is a good idea. Then I remind myself that it didn’t work. It is a good idea, but it’s not viable.
Why am I talking about communism?
Rivero is interested in North Korea. He is amazing. And he’s got such a great and bright future ahead of him.
I don’t wanna be like my sister, or lots of other 30-year-olds who don’t know “what they wanna be when grow up.”
In a few days I will probably find out if I am going too Zambia or not. (10-days medical missions trip)
Ok, and since I am all about the long-term plans: SUMMER BREAK.
Option 1 – go to brazil, travel around, see people, get bored for 2 months since I can do a lot of traveling around and seeing people in only 1 month.
Option 2 – stay here, rent a place, get a job, go to a community college. It would be a good idea if I could be BY MYSELF, but there’s always my mother, my dear mother who doesn’t have a life. When she heard my idea she said “oh that’s great, we can rent a studio in Queens, and maybe I’ll get a job too” WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO TILL THEN? Apparently, she is gonna do a lot of “not getting a job.” Fuck, HER life is a constant waiting to the extreme. How can she be happy?
I would have killed myself already if I was her…
I am sick of moving around and staying at people’s house. I am always the guest. I am always sleeping in strange and unfamiliar rooms. This break sucks. People don’t like me and my mom as much as we’d like them to. They get fed up with us and we can feel it.
I don’t even know if I want to keep thinking of myself as a lesbian. My mom feels so strongly against it (i think she knoes, deep down inside, she knows.. so she makes hateful comments about "the homosexual lifestyle" just to crush me and supress my feelins), and I am so fucking shy sometimes I just cant picture myself going after a woman, and clearly no one wants to go after me. What happened with Norah/Nashlah was a fucking miracle, an ugly confusing miracle, but nonetheless, a miracle.
I’d like to be asexual. Androgynous. Neutral. Inexistent.
But that requires being thin. And I am not thin. Thank you mommy for reminding me of that every single day. My own judgment, mirrors and scales aren’t enough. Guess what my fingers smell like mother?
oh screw it, i am gonna go too bed now. good night.
and i am killing myself..
these vacations have been utterly disappointing.
i WANT to go back to H. college. Its crazy.
Manhattan doesn’t make me smile anymore. Its just cold, crude, naked and cruel.
Seeing all those people, all those grown ups, makes me wonder with more and more despair what I am gonna do with me life. And I am so clueless.
And it’s not only about my future. I am clueless about everything.
Everything.
I am clearly depressed. I cant understand how my mom can spend so much money and think of herself as an independent woman when she depends on my dad for $$$$$ it drives me crazy. She doesn’t need more perfume, she doesn’t need a new blow-dryer, she doesn’t need more shoes or socks…
But she refuses to buy something that actually fits her (because there’s no way she is gonna buy “fat clothes”, so instead, she complains daily with extreme bitterness about her weight and makes me feel guilty for settling for XL and not killing myself to go back to L)
“that I would be good… whether with or without you… even if I gained ten pounds… even if I lost sanity”
(Alanis Morissette – That I would be good)
Life is so fucking scary, I hate it.
I don’t want to live a shallow life. I don’t wanna live in a place where everything revolves around money (and that pretty much excludes the entire planet earth)
Sometimes I think communism is a good idea. Then I remind myself that it didn’t work. It is a good idea, but it’s not viable.
Why am I talking about communism?
Rivero is interested in North Korea. He is amazing. And he’s got such a great and bright future ahead of him.
I don’t wanna be like my sister, or lots of other 30-year-olds who don’t know “what they wanna be when grow up.”
In a few days I will probably find out if I am going too Zambia or not. (10-days medical missions trip)
Ok, and since I am all about the long-term plans: SUMMER BREAK.
Option 1 – go to brazil, travel around, see people, get bored for 2 months since I can do a lot of traveling around and seeing people in only 1 month.
Option 2 – stay here, rent a place, get a job, go to a community college. It would be a good idea if I could be BY MYSELF, but there’s always my mother, my dear mother who doesn’t have a life. When she heard my idea she said “oh that’s great, we can rent a studio in Queens, and maybe I’ll get a job too” WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO TILL THEN? Apparently, she is gonna do a lot of “not getting a job.” Fuck, HER life is a constant waiting to the extreme. How can she be happy?
I would have killed myself already if I was her…
I am sick of moving around and staying at people’s house. I am always the guest. I am always sleeping in strange and unfamiliar rooms. This break sucks. People don’t like me and my mom as much as we’d like them to. They get fed up with us and we can feel it.
I don’t even know if I want to keep thinking of myself as a lesbian. My mom feels so strongly against it (i think she knoes, deep down inside, she knows.. so she makes hateful comments about "the homosexual lifestyle" just to crush me and supress my feelins), and I am so fucking shy sometimes I just cant picture myself going after a woman, and clearly no one wants to go after me. What happened with Norah/Nashlah was a fucking miracle, an ugly confusing miracle, but nonetheless, a miracle.
I’d like to be asexual. Androgynous. Neutral. Inexistent.
But that requires being thin. And I am not thin. Thank you mommy for reminding me of that every single day. My own judgment, mirrors and scales aren’t enough. Guess what my fingers smell like mother?
oh screw it, i am gonna go too bed now. good night.
Comments:
"I'd like to be asexual. Androgynous. Neutral. Inexistent." Sorry. I'll deprive you of this priviledge. You play too big a part in my life.. I'm sorry about the not-so-exciting break. I'll make sure once I hop over there that we'll have some good times like none other. Okay? Wait up. Will be thereabouts real soon (unless, of course, you doN't want me... =)
My future does seem rather dark, hard as it may seem to believe.. cheer up! Someone across the globe is thinking about ya. (Okay, so I don't have the convincing and reassuring powers of Happy. So sue me. Lol)
My future does seem rather dark, hard as it may seem to believe.. cheer up! Someone across the globe is thinking about ya. (Okay, so I don't have the convincing and reassuring powers of Happy. So sue me. Lol)
But you are dearest Rio an adorable entity nonetheless :)
That makes two of us Mackie. Now that I've got blogrolling again, I can check out your blog at exactly the time you publish.
Life is so horrible and overwhelming at times. If it weren't for God I think I'd have given up on it.
But think of what you've got going for you. You, for starters and all the lovely insight that being you entail. So keep your head high, ok. Or as Someone out there to keep it high for you.
And by the way, I am size 44-46 and no one has ever complained. On the contrary, people think I'm cute. So... don't listen to Mom and be an XL or L. I'm an L and if I were an XL, so what? Remeber I saw your pic and I think you are very cute.
You're in my prayers and know that from afar, I already love you.
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That makes two of us Mackie. Now that I've got blogrolling again, I can check out your blog at exactly the time you publish.
Life is so horrible and overwhelming at times. If it weren't for God I think I'd have given up on it.
But think of what you've got going for you. You, for starters and all the lovely insight that being you entail. So keep your head high, ok. Or as Someone out there to keep it high for you.
And by the way, I am size 44-46 and no one has ever complained. On the contrary, people think I'm cute. So... don't listen to Mom and be an XL or L. I'm an L and if I were an XL, so what? Remeber I saw your pic and I think you are very cute.
You're in my prayers and know that from afar, I already love you.
